Over the last weeks or months I have really begun to feel it necessary to have a Femme mentor- an older Femme Lesbian who has been through it all and seen it all and can pass pertinent information. I am lucky to have a couple of older Butch women who have helped me enormously to come into myself. On the other hand I am now experiencing the whole Femme Invisibility issue head on. And I’m not talking about myself being invisible; I am speaking about not being able to see who the Femme Lesbians are.
Yes, we are invisible. Yes, we look like we are straight. Yes, we are far and few between. I am talking about the real Femme Lesbians. Not the straight women, the bi women, the queer women, the pansexual, the transwomen, the lipstick lesbians, etc. I am talking about the real deal. How rare are we to find?
I am facing this dilemma now as I realize that I have so little in common with my lesbian friends. Most of them are older (huge plus) and can give general dating advice or life advice… but in terms of being versed in dating Butch Women, they find it weird, at best. And let’s get real here, dating Baby Butches and finding my spot in the Femme-Butch community is difficult. So, since I have few Femmes or Butches that I know in real life, the next best alternative is finding the Femme-Butch community online. I have scoured websites for information; I have joined groups and discussion boards. And yet, here I am, still in dire need of a Femme mentor. Why is that? Why it that despite being in contact with thousands of people, am I still not able to find her?
All these groups offer false information misrepresenting the Butch-Femme community. They misreprent Femmes, they misrepresent Butches and they misrepresent Women. If I were to break it down here is what happens in online Butch-Femme communities:
-Femmes are represented as uber, ultra, high femme who are always in heels waiting to be whisked away.
-Butches are represented as men, ready to do the whisking.
-Butch bodies are reconstructed to be lacking breasts, lacking vaginas, and lacking all feminine features.
-There is general consensus that Femmes are weak and only bother with talking of nail polish, makeup and lingerie because their simple Femme brains cannot handle much more than these topics of conversation.
-The word “Lesbian” is treated as a satanic anti-Christ thing to be scoffed.
-In fact any talk of Butches being lesbian and receiving cunnilingus, aka getting their pussy pleasured is ignored or worse demonized.
-Any talk of Femmes enjoying Butch Breasts, Vaginas and Bodies is ignored and the Femme will from there on out be seen as a lesbian, aka read above… a satanic anti-Christ.
-The demographics show that the ruling parties have decided that all Butches are he/hy.
-Any talk of a Butch as ‘she’ is quickly derailed and the offending member is chastised and schooled by the site administrators.
-Real Femmes and Real Butches are regularly kicked off, so the only member left in such forums are trans or straight. Lesbian conversation are shut down, ignored and erased.
When I first got started in these forums, I felt that something was so strange. Why were there so many people referring to themselves as he? It was scary and awful. How was I supposed to get friendly with fellow women when there were HEs around? I flashed back to real life where I am regularly harassed in lesbian clubs by men, they grab my ass, arms, wrists or worse rub their genitals on me. Needless to say, it caused me anxiety to be in this situation. Then not only did it feel strange, it felt wrong. All the Femmes were drooling over trans, and I got caught in a few conversations where Femmes were actually stating that they hate breasts on a partner, etc. There were so many threads on how to get drugs like testosterone, how to get mutilating surgery, how Femmes should just put up with their Butch partners’ intimacy issues and inability to have sex beyond fucking the Femme.
I think that these communities spread some shitty ass diseases around, such as entitlement. Femmes feel entitled to be taken care off all the time- a Femme expects to have all her bills paid by the Butch. Or that deliberate diminution of the intellectual level of the conversation participants- that neither Femme nor Butch must question the whole trans movement, there is no room for discourse. But perhaps, this will be more fit for it’s own post. Where I was really going with this is that these forums set up a heterosexual structure of dating.
These types of forums spread this shit far and wide and not a single Femme or Butch is immune to the shit. I dated a ‘Stone’ Butch who basically got her manners by reading Men’s magazines. What a fucking misogynistic disaster that was. At one point she actually stated to me something along the lines of ‘the Femme isn’t a real person and therefore doesn’t pay for dates- that’s the Butch’s job, little lady’. The dating situation was further exacerbated by me falling into the trap of calling her by male pronouns. Where does the fault lie? Does the fault lie with me? Was I buying into the trans propaganda? Does the fault lie with the Butch? That she wasn’t able to deal with her body issues and took it out on me instead? Does the fault lie with the BF online community that spread this disease? Or does the fault lie with the whole LGBT community that is now primarily and I’m afraid to say solely focused on the T and the G.
So, now we have come full circle. And I come back to my overarching desire for a Femme mentor. I know you are out there somewhere. I know that you have so much to offer this Femme in terms of advice. If I had found you earlier, I wouldn’t have made such mistakes. And hopefully I will find you soon, so that you can relay all your hard earned knowledge.