Femme/Butch Dynamics (what to do)

Forget every single piece of information that you have picked up from the so-called Butch/Femme experts and sexperts.  Forget every single piece of advice you have received from Butch/Femme websites and forums.  Do not pay attention to those that compare Butch/Femme relationships to heterosexual mimicry.

I will leave you with this excerpt from Joan Nestle’s book, “A Restricted Country”.  This is the best writing I have found on Femme/Butch relationships.



Femme/Butch Manual (what not to do)

The Femme-Butch dynamic is simply a lesbian relationship.  There is not much difference between this lesbian relationship and other lesbian relationships.  It just happens to be between a Femme woman and a Butch woman.  However, with queer theory, we have the queering of Femme-Butch relationships to be more like heterosexual relationships where the Butch is the man and the Femme the lady.

Many young Butches or Femmes search for information about dating/relationships/Femme-Butch herstory and other pertinent information online.  Here’s a little looks-see into what happens to a Femme or a Butch if she is brainwashed into believing queer theory of Femme-Butch.

This is a compiled list of some of the ‘must-dos’ for courtship:


-Treat the Femme like a princess.

-Walk next to street, let the Femme walk away from the street.

-Pay for everything.

-Be the driver/chauffeur.  Pick the Femme up for dates.

-Be confident/charming/protective/aggressive.

-Help her put her coat on.

-Open doors.

-Pump the gas.

-Help her out of the car.

-Carry the heavy things.

-Do not be overly emotional.

-Be in charge of making plans.

-1st to 3rd date, bring flowers.

-Be the one to initiate the kiss.

-Tell the Femme that she looks beautiful, pretty, gorgeous.

-Before the date, specify that it is in fact a Date.

-If Femme wears high heels, be there for her to hand on to/balance if walking far or up/down stairs.

-Do not talk poorly of ex-Femme-girlfriends.


-Expect Femme to be overly emotional, deal with it like a man.



-Always look good- makeup, nails, hair done.  Wearing something sexy, feminine- typically restrictive clothing.

-Butches love to be depended on/respected/needed.

-Compliment her/him as handsome.

-Cook for your Butch.

-Let the Butch drive.

-Allow/expect Butch to pay and make plans.


Butches and Femmes have expectations placed upon their choice of:










Or do they?  A Butch is a Butch is Butch.  A dyke can try to fulfill all of the above requirements on being Butch and still be a dyke.  Nothing wrong with being a dyke.  I love dykes.  But let’s not pretend that just because a woman has short hair and wears men’s clothes that she is Butch.  I will admit that at one point, I had short hair, very short hair and wore men’s clothes.  Don’t ask.  Either way, I wasn’t Butch.  I can never be Butch.  It’s not something that one can do or perform, it’s just a proclivity that one is born with.

Which one of these or a multitude of other heterosexual expectations have been placed on you in Femme-Butch dating?

Trans Politic/ Queer Language

Let’s tie this in with the previous post on Pronouns and the transformation of lesbian/gay community into a trans society.  Every single lgbT center without a doubt is mostly focused on the T- the transgender; the rest of the alphabet gets thrown under the bus.  Lesbians get thrown under head first.  For every lesbian discussion group or meeting, there are 2-10 times as many transgender groups and services offered.

Why should one be concerned with such a thing?  Transgender services should be viewed as the death sentence that they are.  Drugs and mutilating surgeries- what kind of life is that?  Giving your money or wasting society’s money on quack doctors.  Trans females are given testosterone injections that significantly shorten a life span; testosterone causes cancers, heart disease, gynecological problems and a whole range of diseases with symptoms that vary from neurological degeneration to organ failure.  The surgeries are mutilating, I would easily compare them to Female Genital Mutilation (FGM).  FGM is a common procedure that is forced upon little girls in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Here is what the World Health Organization (WHO) has to say about FGM:

  • Female genital mutilation (FGM) includes procedures that intentionally alter or cause injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons.
  • The procedure has no health benefits for girls and women.
  • Procedures can cause severe bleeding and problems urinating, and later cysts, infections, infertility as well as complications in childbirth and increased risk of newborn deaths.
  • More than 125 million girls and women alive today have been cut in the 29 countries in Africa and Middle East where FGM is concentrated (1).
  • FGM is mostly carried out on young girls sometime between infancy and age 15.
  • FGM is a violation of the human rights of girls and women.

For trans females, they have breasts removed and some have ‘bottom’ surgeries- which is worse than FGM.  One might argue that because FGM is performed on unconsenting adults and breast removal and trans-FGM surgeries are performed on consenting adults the two cannot be compared.  However, let us remember that trans services are often sold as a solution that does actually solve problems such as body dysphoria and trans services are being marketing to ever younger generations.  Hormones are being pushed upon young pre-teens making them drug addicts before they even hit puberty.  I will not be surprised when ‘bottom’ surgery becomes available to teenagers and little kids in the near future, and nobody can tell me that such surgeries are needed for medical reasons rather than aesthetic reasons.

There is a shift from lesbian gay politics to trans politics.  There are TV shows that feature and focus on trans characters, the public is being blasted with the constant need to be accepting for trans identities and not to question trans health services.  The general public does not understand what transition actually means, the general public has blinders on so as to not cause a huge scare.  And anyone who does not agree to keep quiet; their dissent is automatically labelled transphobic or hate speech.

Along with the shift in politic comes a new language that is sweeping the nation.  Words like queer, trans, genderqueer, sexual identity, gender identity, etc are used even by straight heterosexual society.  When I was just coming out in high school, I used the word queer because the word lesbian was too scary and no-one used it.  While the word queer was nicer, more inviting, it rolled off my tongue easily because queer still included men- it is a language that was built by men, with men in mind.  In fact if I go back to when I was even younger, I remember learning the word for gay man, but a word for lesbian did not exist.  And it still does not exist.  Lesbians are not viewed as having their own agency.  Men still try to control us and tell us that we need the dick, that we are missing out, that we can not make it on our own.  Lesbian sex is seen as either not real sex because it does not feature a penis, or it is redesigned with the male in mind to make straight porn with two heterosexual females diddling each other- it is laughable, really.

What’s wrong with queer language?  And what’s wrong with straight people adopting queer language into their vocabulary?  Recently I attended an event where somebody called a straight heterosexual woman ‘genderqueer’.  This person called her ‘genderqueer’ because the woman is not overly feminine.  She doesn’t have that feminine sway in her body language.  Therefore, she is now ‘genderqueer’.  This ‘genderqueer’ woman is in full support of the trans movement and has absolute sympathy towards trans children.  So basically, we have heterosexual adults who are being labelled with queer language who are supportive towards the queer cause.  She does not understand that trans children are really just lesbian/gay children who do not want to conform to gender norms.  And in fact she is in no way belonging into the L, the G, the B or the T… however queer language is being used to describer her.  And she is using queer language to express her support for transitioning children.

Goodbye Women’s Bathrooms

Once, twice, three times and it is a regular occurrence rather than isolated incidents.

‘A+’ and I were out dancing in the early hours of some miserable morning at some dingy gay club.  The club probably had enough meth running through its veins to kill a herd of elephants.  I slithered away from the dance floor to go to the bathroom.  There were two cowboy bar style doors that leave little to the imagination.  One was clearly marked with a male figure.  I got in line for the other bathroom.  I let the dude in front of me know that he is in the wrong line; the men’s bathroom is over there.  He copped an attitude right away, scoffed at me, rolled his lip and pointed to the sign which was a unisex symbol with both a female and male figures.  Ugh.

I could see inside that there is only one stall, if you could call it that.  It’s missing a front door anyway.  I was not about to let this dude who has a whole bathroom, assigned all to his own sex use the ‘ladies’ bathroom before me.  So I just stepped in front of him.

I could hear that the girls in the room were finishing up, so I took a step in.  He grabbed me and put me in a head lock.  A grapple ensued.  A full-grown man was fighting me for the ladies room.  Eventually femmegalore prevailed.  I made it to the toilet first.  It was clogged and missing a seat, and as mentioned a front door.  The dude just stood there and watched me climb up on the lack of seat and pull down my pants.  He was taunting me.

I popped a squat and peed, staring him in the face.  That’s one.

The second time ‘A+’ and I were at a different gay club on ladies night.  This time I did not sneak out, I excused myself to go to the bathroom.  I get there and see a guy attendant standing there.  Very confused I look for the door with a woman on it.  There are so many doors, where is the one with the woman?  I panic.

The male attendant, who is standing there in the middle of the bathroom tells me that it’s unisex and points me to an empty stall.  I am mortified.  There is a man outside my stall listening and observing all my movements.  This is supposed to be my happy space.  This is where it is suppoed to feel safe.  This is where I can go and make small chat with all the other women.  Not this time.

The third time ‘A+’ was not there.  I was at another gay bar, primarily male gay bar.  I open a bathroom door, see a dude standing there and quickly close the door.  I turn around and  I almost walk into the male bathroom.  Wait a minute!  I walked into one bathroom to a dude standing there, turned around to the other bathroom and there is a sign with a male figure.  What’s going on here?  Turns out the first door I walked into was a unisex bathroom where men can come in and clog up my toilet.  While the second door is where the males have their own bathroom where they don’t have to be bothered with the girls disturbing them.


The one prevailing theme running throughout the whole story is gay club- primarily male gay club.  So, it makes sense that there are no women’s bathrooms.  Or does it?  We hear about women’s spaces disappearing.  Women are now forced to share the bathroom and the locker room with trans males who harass them.  It is scary.  To be attacked in the one place that women hold holy- that is our own.  And we all know how sacred it is to have a room of our own.

I’m not in grammar school, why the lesson in Pronouns?

photo 1 On a recent cross-country trip, a dear friend and I had the pleasure of visiting several of the beautiful States.  Being good lesbians we decided to check out what the gay bar scene is like (note, I did not say lesbian bar scene- because we learned quickly that one does not exist) and what the LGBT center has to offer.

We drove through the downtown and saw the only rainbow flag deciding to stop here to ask about lesbian friendly accommodations.  Fortunately, the lgbT center was closed, so we did not have to waste much time or breath.  But I did sneak a few photos for evidence.  On the front door, there was a nice schedule explaining all the happenings and events at the center.  On the schedule, I counted the prefix trans used four times as in transman group, transgender group, the word queer once and strangely there is even a STRANGE crew meeting- queerly strange or strangely queer?  I digress.  Not once does the word Lesbian appear anywhere on the schedule.  Nor does the word Lesbian appear once on any of the other posters displayed on the glass front office.  However several other announcements for transgender groups do appear.

We peered inside lookingphoto 3 for any clue of what happened to the word lesbian- maybe it was hiding.  Instead, there was a lesson on Pronouns.  Interesting, I have not come across this since grade school, or maybe pre-school.

This is not an isolated incident.  This is happening everywhere.  We already know that lesbian spaces are disappearing .  That is not news.  What is making headlines is that the trans movement is erasing lesbian and gay culture all together.  Why else would there be a rolladeck on ‘Pronouns’?


The need for a Femme mentor

Over the last weeks or months I have really begun to feel it necessary to have a Femme mentor- an older Femme Lesbian who has been through it all and seen it all and can pass pertinent information.  I am lucky to have a couple of older Butch women who have helped me enormously to come into myself.  On the other hand I am now experiencing the whole Femme Invisibility issue head on. And I’m not talking about myself being invisible; I am speaking about not being able to see who the Femme Lesbians are.

Yes, we are invisible.  Yes, we look like we are straight.  Yes, we are far and few between.  I am talking about the real Femme Lesbians.  Not the straight women, the bi women, the queer women, the pansexual, the transwomen, the lipstick lesbians, etc.  I am talking about the real deal.  How rare are we to find?

I am facing this dilemma now as I realize that I have so little in common with my lesbian friends.  Most of them are older (huge plus) and can give general dating advice or life advice… but in terms of being versed in dating Butch Women, they find it weird, at best.  And let’s get real here, dating Baby Butches and finding my spot in the Femme-Butch community is difficult.  So, since I have few Femmes or Butches that I know in real life, the next best alternative is finding the Femme-Butch community online.  I have scoured websites for information; I have joined groups and discussion boards.  And yet, here I am, still in dire need of a Femme mentor.  Why is that?  Why it that despite being in contact with thousands of people, am I still not able to find her?

All these groups offer false information misrepresenting the Butch-Femme community.  They misreprent Femmes, they misrepresent Butches and they misrepresent Women.  If I were to break it down here is what happens in online Butch-Femme communities:

-Femmes are represented as uber, ultra, high femme who are always in heels waiting to be whisked away.

-Butches are represented as men, ready to do the whisking.

-Butch bodies are reconstructed to be lacking breasts, lacking vaginas, and lacking all feminine features.

-There is general consensus that Femmes are weak and only bother with talking of nail polish, makeup and lingerie because their simple Femme brains cannot handle much more than these topics of conversation.

-The word “Lesbian” is treated as a satanic anti-Christ thing to be scoffed.

-In fact any talk of Butches being lesbian and receiving cunnilingus, aka getting their pussy pleasured is ignored or worse demonized.

-Any talk of Femmes enjoying Butch Breasts, Vaginas and Bodies is ignored and the Femme will from there on out be seen as a lesbian, aka read above… a satanic anti-Christ.

-The demographics show that the ruling parties have decided that all Butches are he/hy.

-Any talk of a Butch as ‘she’ is quickly derailed and the offending member is chastised and schooled by the site administrators.

-Real Femmes and Real Butches are regularly kicked off, so the only member left in such forums are trans or straight.  Lesbian conversation are shut down, ignored and erased.

When I first got started in these forums, I felt that something was so strange.  Why were there so many people referring to themselves as he?  It was scary and awful.  How was I supposed to get friendly with fellow women when there were HEs around?  I flashed back to real life where I am regularly harassed in lesbian clubs by men, they grab my ass, arms, wrists or worse rub their genitals on me.  Needless to say, it caused me anxiety to be in this situation.  Then not only did it feel strange, it felt wrong.  All the Femmes were drooling over trans, and I got caught in a few conversations where Femmes were actually stating that they hate breasts on a partner, etc.  There were so many threads on how to get drugs like testosterone, how to get mutilating surgery, how Femmes should just put up with their Butch partners’ intimacy issues and inability to have sex beyond fucking the Femme.

I think that these communities spread some shitty ass diseases around, such as entitlement.  Femmes feel entitled to be taken care off all the time- a Femme expects to have all her bills paid by the Butch.  Or that deliberate diminution of the intellectual level of the conversation participants- that neither Femme nor Butch must question the whole trans movement, there is no room for discourse.  But perhaps, this will be more fit for it’s own post.  Where I was really going with this is that these forums set up a heterosexual structure of dating.

These types of forums spread this shit far and wide and not a single Femme or Butch is immune to the shit.  I dated a ‘Stone’ Butch who basically got her manners by reading Men’s magazines.  What a fucking misogynistic disaster that was.  At one point she actually stated to me something along the lines of ‘the Femme isn’t a real person and therefore doesn’t pay for dates- that’s the Butch’s job, little lady’.  The dating situation was further exacerbated by me falling into the trap of calling her by male pronouns.  Where does the fault lie?  Does the fault lie with me?  Was I buying into the trans propaganda?  Does the fault lie with the Butch?  That she wasn’t able to deal with her body issues and took it out on me instead?  Does the fault lie with the BF online community that spread this disease?  Or does the fault lie with the whole LGBT community that is now primarily and I’m afraid to say solely focused on the T and the G.

So, now we have come full circle.  And I come back to my overarching desire for a Femme mentor.  I know you are out there somewhere.  I know that you have so much to offer this Femme in terms of advice.  If I had found you earlier, I wouldn’t have made such mistakes.  And hopefully I will find you soon, so that you can relay all your hard earned knowledge.